Our worst losses can be our biggest spiritual favor. We all have a story.

My story is not unlike yours, we all have one. The usual cast of emotions, situations and outcomes flood my story .

My losses have always been my strength. As fearful as I can sometimes be, my fears  leave me “teetering” on the edge, and then, BAM!!– something inside me takes over.

With every milestone loss in life, a new aspect of who I am at my core has been revealed.

THE REVEAL

The tragic loss of my father at 15 years old, catapulted me into adulthood, (his death had opened up a world of unusual “musings” regarding the cause of his death- “choking”, caused by advanced Neurosyphilis.)  My mother was a stay at home mom with a 3 year old, a 15 year old and a 20 year old with her own baby, when she was left to figure out how to survive and hold it all together. She, as well as we 3 children were lucky beyond words to had not been infected with this virus which lay dormant for over 25 years, a virus my father contracted during WW II in Europe.  This set the stage for unearthing my ability to not only survive but to thrive amidst massive doses of fear and worry daily.

THE DREAM

Through my life I have been blessed with an amazing partner and husband to walk this path with. We met at 15 years old and have been together for 45 years, weathering many ups and downs, with great respect and love for each other.

We have worked together for almost 40 years,  it’s a 24-7 partnership/ love affair. We have built 2 salons and 2 homes along the way, that in and of itself,  if anyone has ever done either, knows that stress levels run very high.

With business comes risk and personal exposure. After living our dream for 22 years,growing and expanding our business, destiny took the reigns and decided it was enough. In 2007 we consciously decided to try to sell our business to relieve ourselves of some responsibilities and to create much-needed peace in our life.  A year into trying to make this happen we had our first “staff walk-out”.

Being gripped by the  fear of losing everything, we held on until September 2009 , when we closed our doors. We felt a strange sense of relief.  The shame and guilt that surrounded it all was compounded by the knowing that before long, our home would be next. Looking back, that was the most frightening. After all, it was the home our daughter was living in and her security and childhood was stored within those walls.

Through all of this, my faith in someone or something much larger than myself was my strength, it had my back, always!  After the loss of the business and having landed on our feet, I had an undeniable belief that everything was in perfect “Divine” order, the universe was supporting us through it all.

Everything we needed was placed in front of us, more perfectly than any script we could write. Opening to a total faith in God when there is little left, humbled my heart in gratitude.

I took very little for granted at this point in my life. I was 30+ years into my spiritual journey and loving the life I had when the unthinkable happened.

THE UNTHINKABLE

My 18 year old daughter Mattison was graduating high school and taking off on an adventure she had dreamt about for 5 years. She had finally fulfilled the dream for her singing career of getting on the first season of the “X- Factor”. She had pursued her passion for singing in every venue possible from the age of 13 with our support, and now she had achieved something she worked so hard for!

As with many young adults, she was filled with an array of emotions as she prepared to move forward with her life at this very critical time.

Believing we all have a journey and a specific spiritual path to follow made what has transpired over the past 6 years a bit more bearable. What I have learned about myself, my daughter Mattison, God, Spirituality and the unseen world, has been nothing short of miraculous .

My heart was opened wide the day she was born, 17 years into our marriage. It was a miracle, she was a miracle, she was pure love.  What we didn’t know, was how that love would be tested.

At 18 she was vulnerable, hurt and searching deep inside herself as she always had. Having just broken up with the love of her life, stepping out into her dream career and ready to leave home one way or another, she had a chance meeting with a man who would change our lives forever.

He was a much older man ( 35 years her senior) from East Hampton NY who had a “self-serving agenda with this loving, beautiful, smart, talented young woman.”

At this time she was also coming to grips with flashbacks of sexual abuse (which we were unaware of at the time )  as a young child, which gave way to feelings of shame and guilt.

He found his way in as a “Spiritual Healer” to this sweet, vulnerable and trusting young woman. Within a year of meeting,  he was able to convince her we did not protect her, or love her, and estranged her from us. We always had a loving, respectful and happy relationship. She was easy, a joyful baby, a grounded loving teen, focused and in love with her passions! She had a small group of close lifelong friends that supported her, as she did them.

The last 5 years have been nothing short of heartbreaking, devastating to the core, but they have given me faith, strength and hope beyond what I ever thought humanly possible. To not know how she is, what she is doing, to not see her, hold her, smell her or talk to her is a test of my heart and how open I can keep it on a daily basis.

I have hope, God has given me that. Faith is supporting me as it has my entire life. Knowing you really have no control of anything is the biggest lesson I have learned from this. We think we control things, but we don’t, it’s an illusion.

This is far deeper than it appears on the surface of “reality.” The chance of their meeting is beyond comprehension for many reasons. She was never a follower, never easily led. It makes no sense in the “rational” world. That’s how I know it’s not of this world, this is her spiritual journey, her dark night of the soul, her path to walk without us. Is she not able to do “her work” so closely attached to us ? Did we 3 come together to learn our deepest spiritual lessons: forgiveness, love, truth, acceptance, non-judgement,  tolerance and compassion?  All that has transpired has led me to my deepest healing, now and always.

I know the story is not over, the healing has begun and on a soul level we will never be separate. 

Prayer is what I have. The ability to go within and question, be humble and walk with GRACE, these are my gifts.